Initiation*

It was good news that she ripped my head off

*Republish! I shared the below in August 2023. It’s a good set up for what my last essay of the year includes (coming next Thursday to an inbox near you!); so since we’re all busy for the holiday, I thought I’d bring this one back. Also! Now with voice recording!

And, at this time of the year I like talking about sobriety - cause it’s harder right now, so for any of you playing along - I love you, you got this. This year along with sobriety from booze, I also have 60+ days of sugar sobriety. I KNOW! It’s so impressive!! 🙌🏼

Perdita Finn

inspires me to keep going, and my god I love her for it. Any encouragement would help because whoa sugar is flowing ~ whoooo doggie.

And hay, as always valued readers, thank you for reading my words. I cannot express how much it means to me, thank you - you magical human creatures.

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Since my carefully curated existence is all hanging on the silk thread of my sobriety, I protect it like it is a crown jewel. Shining from deep inside, soaking in almond milk matchas and gf bagels made from breadfruit (ulu) it is deep, deep inside the safety of my guts and my glittery little aura. I’ve learned over the years how to keep it protected; because, I am a precarious little system that is driven by the following rules:

1. Don’t drink alcohol, no matter what.

2. Gluten makes you itch and feel like sh*t - donʻt eat that. Dairy? Same.

3. Sugar is evil, don’t eat that either. Also it makes you sad in a really profound way. (To the readers: Quitting it has helped me both feel less sad AND also helps me just be with the sadness. I totally recommend this! 😅👍🏻)

4. Be kind and expect kindness; donʻt settle for anything less~!

So for #1, I go to meetings. I do it, I just do it, that jewel needs to be shined 2-3 times a week.  Now, who wants to admit they need other drunks? Not many of us. But, that jewel is not something one should ever take for granted, it’s the brain and grace of this whole operation.

My original glimpse of the jewels was 22 years ago when I went to my very first shamanic journeying event in Seattle. My therapist and healer gal was running it, her spunky curls and raspy voice booming in the room of 20 of us as the blue light of afternoon wore into a bleak early winter evening. She sent us off on our first journey, accompanied by sage smoke and the darkness of a bandana balanced on our eyes, with a big drum in her hands she found a rhythm that mimicked our heartbeats. My eyes slowly closed.

Photo by jean wimmerlin on Unsplash

I found myself walking in a nighttime landscape, it was being lit by an unseen car’s headlights. I walked straight ahead, stepping carefully through the world that I could only see within the 30 feet of beams. Before I could do anything about it, a giant lioness lept from behind a tree, and using her massive paws, like a human making a latte, she ripped my head off. Luckily by this point, I was an observer of the scene, but very close by. Magically this did not hurt, and also, strangely, I didn’t find it surprising.

She looked me in the eye, her golden fur shining around her face in the glow of starlight and the high beams that were still lighting the scene. She said.

Look inside.

I did, and I saw an incredible sight. Inside the cavity of my body was a dazzling array of jewels, all similar in size, all clear and large, like maybe diamonds but I wasn’t sure where one would get such things and was it a good idea? I mean, the diamond trade is so dirty and….

(Yep, the mind still spins even when talking to a giant lioness in a fantastical landscape).

I looked back at her and she said.

“Every time you go against yourself, betray yourself in any way, one of these will be destroyed.”

To illustrate her point, one of them exploded on cue. It was dramatic and beautiful, little shards of brilliance and light flinging in slow motion in every direction.

“Whoa,” I said, my mouth forming the O, but no sound coming out.

She stared at me for a few seconds longer, her amber eyes boring a hole into my existence. Then, she put my head back on, gave me one more meaningful look, and bounded into the darkness, her beautiful shiny coat visible deep into the night.

The drumming slowed down and we all came back into the room, stirring on our little mats that had just served as magic carpets. When I shared what had happened to me, my teacher said: “Oh, that’s great! That is the initiation - they always rip off your head. You just met one of your spirit guides. And boy, that’s pretty good advice, donʻt you think?”

“Oh that’s great, that’s the initiation - they always rip off your head. You’ve just met one of your spirit guides. And boy, that’s pretty good advice, don’t you think?”

I nodded in agreement. 

And in the ensuing years, I’ve seen a few of those jewels go kablooey in my rearview, resonating an ‘Oh effffff’ deep in my gut. Because - life. In order to love and be loved, the bouncing, blinding blitz of explosion is inevitable. I’m hopeful that I still have at least a dozen or so left.

Sometimes I wanna ask the Lioness, “Hey. Lioness. How exactly do you expect us humans to be owners of integrity jewels and walk on earth with pain and memes and dumb people who are in power?” It can be so easy to betray ourselves in the face of difficult relationships with friends, family, and clients - anyone we imagine has power over us. The inner bling rattles and rumbles a bit in our guts - asking us if we are brave and can stand and stare the difficult ones down.

And it’s a neat trick, don’t you think? Gorgeous and shiny, they demand that we do our best to speak our truth and keep them safe, polished, and from imploding in a sea of glitter. And so we do it, we face our fears, our friends who betray us, our jobs that are no longer for us - we do it - because being afraid to do the thing we know beyond a doubt that we need to do - isn’t gonna work.

So do it! Let’s do it. It is hard, but. We gotta. Better than finding out what happens when the shiny beauties are all gone….right? Oh friends. We can do hard things.

I promise.