If not now, when?

When the soul calls, you gotta pick up

Welcome to my mid-life crisis! Choices include: have an affair, buy a convertible, or quit my job.

Ok, but. I love the guy too much, and I donʻt love cars that much so I’ll choose
c) quit my job.

I know what you’re thinking, Gosh, Jane! Unless you’re set up for retirement, that may not be the best choice. Of those 3? Time to go car shopping. 

You might be right.

When my lifetime timeline spools before and after now; the years spin along dreamily and I see a square-faced, bright-eyed gal. She is sometimes drunk, sometimes sober, up until 2008 when sobriety sticks (thank god). I see her depressed, I see her in love. I see her wondering if she married well, and I see her convinced that she did with 1,000 emoticons celebrating that fact. 💕 I see her finally having a child when she was hurtling toward 40. Not long after a boy arrived, she and a talented partner create a company making damn good videos. She was suddenly a mom and a person who employed people. She and her partner bore responsibility for their livelihood, which felt heavy and hard but also pretty cool. Sometimes the employees got paid, and they didnʻt. But they remained in business and it was successful and remarkable and she was amazed by how good things could be.

I see her smiling. She’s having fun hiking, raising the boy, laughing with the husband, and finally getting to have dogs.

But. She’s always, always, always sure she’s missing it. That the life she was meant to live lies somewhere outside the frame of this film. Her destiny is just on the other side of that ridge they hike, that pile of meetings, the month of shoots and edits and debates about whose turn it is to make dinner. She thinks she is supposed to contribute more to this life. She wonders if her secret weekend habit of talking to people on the other side for friends and strangers is actually her destiny. She hears the voice of guides and angels, and they agree. In fact, they get louder and louder about it.

She told a few friends about these urgings, and they said:

“Wow, if you believe that, you should trust it!” And ain’t that so easy when your shiny-eyed friend tells you her dream, don’t you always say to her,

“Oh my gosh, of course! Do that!”

Sure, but what if she is the primary who pays the mortgage, and they finally got a freakinʻ mortgage after longing for a home of their own for all these years. 

Sure, but that kid's got expensive sports habits, and a college bill coming due soon.

Sure, but whoops they moved to an extremely expensive place on earth.

Some were more practical, “Yes, but what money do you have for the gap years before your new career kicks in? Any inheritance?” One of her friends asked these pertinent questions over salmon cakes.

Then she told her dearest friend with long brown hair and soft brown eyes about this inner loudness, “You know what? I keep hearing this voice in my head say ‘If not now, when?ʻ” The years ahead feel shorter, the planet less trustworthy, the dreams more urgent.

If not now, when?

Her friend sighed, nodded, and said,

“It’s true. If not now, when?”

So with a heavy heart and massive existential dread, she gave her business partner a year’s notice. She said, “I love this work, I love this company, I love working with you, but I gotta go. I’m supposed to write about the other side. I’m supposed to talk about spiritual stuff in spiritual spotlights. Even though it is truly terrifying, I have to go.” And to his credit, he was supportive and impressed with her courage, but changing the names on stock certificates is an incredibly challenging thing to navigate.

Six months into the year; when the panic was at a full tilt about the choice she was making and she wondered if she could still back out, she got an inner tug to go into the local thrift store. Perhaps she needed an extra tennis racket, or a sweater for her December closet.

But she gasped when she saw a beautiful poster with the words.

If not now, when?

With the cutest design and silver stars of the supernatural shooting from gold letters, it shone among the island tchotchke and used shoes. She bought the poster and snapped a picture of herself and her new treasure and sent it to the friend with the long brown hair and soft brown eyes.

“Yes, it’s a sign. You gotta do it. Otherwise you’ll never know why you feel so called to make this change”.

And if you believe in magic, then you might agree that the little poster was gifted to her by an angel, or her father smiling from the other side, or some other supportive supernatural force that believes in her new life.

I think so too.

So c) quit my job it is. As of very recently, I am no longer an owner of the production company that I helped birth and run for 8 years, my partner is running it on his own. He is gonna do great. I know this because his grace throughout the process astounded me.

I guess the time is now.

💔💚💜

(The lucky truth is I will still be directing for Skycar Creative when a project calls for it, I am so happy that I get to stay in the sandbox sometimes with incredible people! ✨)

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The following is a poem I found during the time when I was making this big life decision; I found it soothing. Grateful to David Whyte for this encouragement.

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THE TRUELOVE
by David Whyte

There is a faith in loving fiercely
the one who is rightfully yours,
especially if you have
waited years and especially
if part of you never believed
you could deserve this
loved and beckoning hand
held out to you this way.

I am thinking of faith now
and the testaments of loneliness
and what we feel we are
worthy of in this world.

Years ago in the Hebrides,
I remember an old man
who walked every morning
on the grey stones
to the shore of baying seals,

who would press his hat
to his chest in the blustering
salt wind and say his prayer
to the turbulent Jesus
hidden in the water,

and I think of the story
of the storm and everyone
waking and seeing
the distant
yet familiar figure
far across the water
calling to them,

and how we are all
preparing for that
abrupt waking,
and that calling,
and that moment
we have to say yes,
except it will
not come so grandly
so Biblically
but more subtly
and intimately in the face
of the one you know
you have to love

so that when
we finally step out of the boat
toward them, we find
everything holds
us, and everything confirms
our courage, and if you wanted
to drown you could,
but you don’t

because finally
after all this struggle
and all these years
you simply don’t want to
any more
you’ve simply had enough
of drowning
and you want to live and you
want to love and you will
walk across any territory
and any darkness
however fluid and however
dangerous to take the
one hand you know
belongs in yours.

From David Whyteʻs book The House of Belonging